My entire reason for being, my passion, is to help women find happiness through being authentic and doing what they love. When people ask for an explanation of what I do, it has something to do with helping women close the gap between where they are, and where they want to be. Good, right? Because for most of us, there is a gap, and often, we have NO idea where to start. Often, I find that this gap is least likely to be closed when women are playing small. It could be in business, love, parenting, snowshoeing, whatever. Could you be holding yourself back from living the life you dream of living?
There are a few telltale signs that suggest that you may be playing small:
You wait for things to fall into your lap.
Going after what you want with unbridled force can be scary. But you know the whole, no risk, no reward thing? Totally true.
Think about the 32-year-old man that has never been on a job interview, because his jobs always just fall into his lap. A friend knows someone, sets everything up, and the job is handed to him with little effort. He can’t figure out why he’s never quite satisfied with any of his positions, but he sure as heck isn’t going to create a resume and go out there looking for something new. He’ll just wait until someone else places something into his lap.
You know that girlfriend that desperately wants to find a partner? She’s a catch, but she never can find “the one.” Her mom is always setting her up, friends arrange dates, but nothing ever sticks. She’s waiting for the guy of her dreams to float into the backyard of her BFF’s BBQ, but it just isn’t happening. The guy is clearly lost. She doesn’t understand why he hasn’t found her yet.
If you’re not actively going after what you want, and are spending your time waiting for some sort of divine intervention to plop whatever it is that you’re after in your lap, you’re playing small.
The voice in your head is a total mean girl.
Fear. It crushes even the most dedicated business owners on the daily.
A few months ago, I talked to a photographer that desperately wanted to expand from family portrait photography to wedding photography. She wanted to do a few styled shoots, so that she could get a little practice, meet some local vendors, and have some images to add to her portfolio.
Only, she was afraid. What if the vendors didn’t want to work with her? What if they already knew a photographer that they sometimes worked with? What if she wasn’t good at shooting weddings? What if no one wanted her to be their wedding photographer? She had an endless list of things that could go wrong.
Last week, I checked in with her, and found out she never did the styled shoot, and is still spinning her wheels, feeling empty because she isn’t pursuing wedding photography. Her inner voice is squashing her dreams, and she’s unable to see all of the AMAZING things that can come from stepping out of her comfort zone.
If you’re constantly telling yourself that you can’t do things, and allow fear to get in the way of stepping out of your comfort zone, how can you ever expect to be successful (and more importantly, feel fulfilled?)?
Want to kick your inner mean girl to the curb? Check this out!
You’re filling your life with busy work.
Sometimes, people get “busy” because it helps them feel better about avoiding the things they know they should be doing. You know, the things that will yield results.
When I was a loan originator, I had a coworker who spent all her time coming up with creative ways to market to new clients (but she never actually followed through on any of them), ordering stationary and pens with her name on them, reading articles about rates, networking with her contacts at various banks, writing blog posts about mortgages and loans for her website, and following up with past clients. She was always SO busy, but she wasn’t doing anything that was bringing her business. She never grew, never achieved her goals, and eventually gave up.
There are a million reasons people use avoidance as a coping mechanism. If you get real and realize you spend your days doing busy work that doesn’t bring you any closer to whatever it is that you want, you’re playing small.
I love this quick video about being busy!
Not sure if this applies to you? For the next week, write down absolutely everything you do, all day long. From answering emails to watching Netflix, to hitting the gym. After a week of keeping track of every waking moment, sit back and take stock of the likelihood that you’ll achieve your goals if you continue spending your days in the manner in which you’ve grown accustomed. I’d be happy to look at your findings, and help you make a plan if you’d like some feedback! Just email kim@kimberlyhaydn.com if you’d like a set of completely objective eyes!
So, perhaps you’ve decided that you’re playing small, and you’re feeling a little anxious, don’t fret!
There are some easy breezy ways for you to step out of your own way, and begin standing in the sun (my fellow Scandal fans know standing in the sun means living in truth, and facing life head on).
- Get crystal clear about your goals
- Stop making excuses
- Ask for help
- Be fully committed, even when things aren’t going your way
- Make time for yourself (and reward yourself often!)
- Take responsibility for your actions and feelings
- Practice visualizing what achieving your goals will look (and feel) like
- Create opportunity
- Get comfortable operating outside of your comfort zone
I know, some of these don’t feel so easy, but I promise you, they don’t have to be scary!
Here’s the thing, starting small is different than playing small.
So maybe fear is holding you back in a gnarly way, but just throwing caution to the wind and saying “hey, I’m not going to be afraid anymore, watch me!” isn’t going to work. Start small! It’s ok to take baby steps, as long as you’re moving in the right direction.
Also, remember that playing small means something different to everyone. Perhaps you’ve built a life on safe choices, but you genuinely LOVE everything about it. You’re happy. That’s awesome! If you’re not taking lots of risks or going out of your comfort zone, but it’s genuinely working for you, rock on.
If you’re feeling restless, unfulfilled, depressed, or about 100 other crummy feelings that none of us enjoy identifying with, make a change and watch your world begin to shift!
Have you ever found yourself playing small? I’d love to hear your story! Leave a comment or head here to shoot me an email!
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