If you’re a mom, I will go ahead and assume you’ve been judged about something ridiculous, and that it totally pissed you off. Score a point for those old timers who say social media has ruined the world. Now, not only are people comfortable (delighted, even?) putting some random stranger on blast on Facebook, they seem entirely too eager to offer up their judgment filled advice to complete strangers, in real life. Let me tell you; I don’t need any sass while I’m at Target. That’s supposed to be my happy place. Only, in the past few months, I’ve had conversations about my boobs way too many times there, with total strangers. Awkward. Plus rude, insensitive, and totally irritating. If you’ve ever faced mom judging, this one’s for you.
Picture this: I’m three days post c-section, making a Target run to buy formula for my newborn bundle of wig-looking hair and sweet snuggles. Because I don’t breast feed. Because it’s not something I feel compelled to do, and I don’t want to. I didn’t with my eldest daughter either, who turned out great, and has an immune system I’m totally jealous of thankyouverymuch.
During that outing, my first post-hospital, post giving birth to a human being, I was approached twice by women grilling me about why I’m buying formula.
I don’t care when women breastfeed. You go, Momma. Want to pull your boob out at Target while standing in the toy aisle listening to your older child beg for Littlest Pet Shop toys while you silently curse the person who made those stupid waste of money hunks of plastic that you’ve spent a small fortune collecting? Go ahead! I’ll smile at you from across the aisle. I feel ya, sister. Want to post a picture of you feeding your baby on FB because you love how your little one beams at you while they eat? Cool. I love those moments I share with my daughter while she drinks from her bottle, too.
When I’m buying formula, so I can nourish my baby, women coming up to let me know “breast is best” is the last thing I want to hear. Second only to “sorry miss we no longer have a Starbucks inside Target.”
I have been asked more times than I can count why I don’t breastfeed. Even by a woman on the phone conducting a survey about HBO. “Have you ever heard of the HBO show Vinyl? Oh my, is that a baby I hear? How old? Do you breastfeed? Oh, don’t you know that’s better for your baby? Don’t you want what’s best for her?” Mom judging gets CRAZY when it comes to how people feed their babies.
Seriously people, butt the flip out. My boobs are not your business. Nor is my daughter. She is a perfectly healthy, happy baby who quite obviously is not in any danger of harm.
If my kids were hanging out of the cart like monkeys while I had my back turned checking out the latest on the Brad and Angelina split in People, I could understand. Tell me to watch my flippin’ kids because they could fall out and crack their heads. I get it, sometimes a gentle “hey, watch your freaking children, so they don’t die” is warranted.
If we’re not in negligent parenting territory, please do me a favor and turn around and head to the breast pump aisle where maybe you can find someone who also thinks I deserve a good mom judging. Because I’m not interested in hearing about it.
Here’s the thing- it seems like no matter what you do, someone is going to think you’re a terrible mom. Mom judging runs rampant everywhere, and no one is safe.
Feed your kids hot dogs and Doritos with orange soda on the regular? Your child will get cancer, and you’re the worst mom ever to live. Even if you do every other thing “right.” Go the organic route? You’re a stuck up crunchy mom. “Oh she’s ONE OF THOSE” they’ll say.
Sidebar: Can I just say, when someone refers to anyone as “one of those” I instantly want to punch that person in the face for being such a jackass?
As moms, we can’t win!
I’m certainly no perfect mom. Sometimes when I’m tired, we eat leftover cake with Rainbow Chip frosting for breakfast. My ten-year-old has an iPhone, and she watches YouTube more than she should some days while I’m trying to get my work done. Sometimes I prop my five-month old’s bottle up with a blanket so I can get some work done while she eats next to me.
Overall, I pride myself on being a super involved parent. We do crafts, we cook together, we go to museums and nature centers. We spend lots of time on educational activities. My world basically revolves around my kids, and I like it that way.
I’ve faced my fair share of mom judging because I have crafts around that my eldest and her friends can do on play dates. I’m laughed at and told I’m stuck up because I don’t like cigarettes, or swearing, around my kids. When we asked people to please not smoke before coming to visit our baby in the hospital and said they’d need to throw a blanket over their clothes before holding her, so she wasn’t face planting into a shirt that smelled like cigarettes, people were pissed, and flat didn’t come to the hospital. Or, didn’t visit ever after that.
In some ways, I’m “one of those moms.” One of those moms who takes the time to pack relatively healthy lunches, with the crusts cut off of sandwiches (because I don’t even like crusts on PB&J), and handwritten notes tucked inside.
Because I like doing those things, and my daughter appreciates it.
Chances are, you’re “one of those moms” to someone, too.
Pack your kids a Lunchable that you already opened and ate a piece of processed cheese out of while making lunches (that cheese is the bomb, by the way), good for you. We both sent our kids to school with something to eat and got them off to school without losing it. Well done (some mornings, that’s no easy feat!).
In some ways, you probably have me beat. Maybe you take an hour every day to play Barbie with your kids. Something I don’t do because, frankly, I find that kind of thing dreadfully boring and I would rather watch Sex and the City. With my kids around (it’s on cable- they censor it there!).
On any given day in suburbia, the mom with a baby in one hand and a cigarette in the other hand, watching her toddler eat dirt in mismatched dirty clothes is talking to her friends about “those moms” on the other side of the playground, who are nursing their baby with perfectly styled hair, while watching their toddlers in their adorable, stain free outfits eat organic carrots on an organic blanket. “Those moms,” they’re appalled because of the smoking, and the apparent lack of love those moms have for their kids. Plus, a dog could have totally peed in that dirt!
Parenting can be mostly summed up in one old saying: Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
How ’bout more of everyone does things differently, and has different ideas of what parenting should look like, and as long as your kids are safe and aren’t waving to the ER doctors because they’re in there on the regular due to not being paid attention to, you get a pass to do whatever the flip you want without being bothered.
Being a mom is HARD. I’ve been 19 and pregnant, and 30 and pregnant. I’ve been a single mom, and a mom with a great partner who strives to be an incredible dad, every day. Newsflash- none of us have it easy. It’s not a competition.
Can we all just stop being so interested in what everyone else is doing, and invest that energy into our kids instead? Instead of stopping to tell me “breast is best,” or making a sarcastic comment about how I’m that mom who goes to Hobby Lobby to buy craft supplies, turn instead to your child and tell them how much you love them.
If you just can’t stop from mom judging, at least shut the heck up about it.
Because I can promise you, no one wants to hear it. Really, it just makes you look like a freaking a-hole. I don’t care if you’re the crunchy mom or the proud to have a messy house and kids that say the f-word sometimes. If you’re team bottle or team boob. Do what’s best for you, and your children, and you get a thumbs up from me.
It’s 2016, and there is enough horrible going around that will shape the world where our sweet babes live. Let’s focus on raising kind children who can change the world someday, by being kind ourselves.
Next time someone judges you for something insane, just smile. If there isn’t a grain of truth to the comment, laugh it off and wish that jerk well.
Likely, their willingness to call you out means they’re more unhappy than their rude comments could ever make you!
How do you handle it when someone gives you unsolicited advice about your parenting? Share your story, and your tips, in the comments!
Latest posts by Kimberly Haydn (see all)
- Holiday Hacks + How to Have a Good Enough Christmas (and LOVE it) - December 5, 2018
- Increase Summer Sales with These Marketing Ideas! - July 4, 2018
- Seasons of Change: Navigating Building a Business while Raising Your Children - September 24, 2017