If you were to look at my blogging schedule for this month, you’d see today I’d planned to write about SEO. Only, it’s International Women’s Day, and I happen to be riding the struggle bus in endless circles today. Because being a woman can be hard sometimes. If you’ve ever felt the weight of the world on your shoulders, or have felt lonely and isolated in your role as a small business owner, this one is for you.
As mothers, we spend our days giving all of ourselves to our children. This morning, my teething 9-month old woke up with a gnarly cold, and she’s spent much of her waking moments screaming. I got my eldest up and ready for school, came home and cleaned up a bit, and sat down to answer emails (which is hard to do when your child is screaming bloody murder next to you). I did it all with a smile, which was rather exhausting when I was fighting back tears the whole time. Does anyone else feel like one of the most difficult tasks in the world is putting on a happy face?
I wasn’t on the verge of a total meltdown because today was particularly terrible, but because I’m lonely. I’m exhausted. I’m not sure how much more I have left to give, and I’m scared.
In a world filled with perfect Instagram feeds that show women running solo, small businesses and raising babies in a flawless fashion that seems effortless, it can be difficult when your story feels different.
When running your business feels quiet and lonely. When being a mom, though you love your children more than life itself (and Kate Spade. And cupcakes!), has you wondering just how much longer you can go on wiping butts, having food spit in your face, and arguing with a stubborn tween, before you crack.
Thing is, I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m a mom that gets to raise her children at home; I was there for all of my youngest’s milestones. I get to be there when my 5th grader yells “MOMMY!!!!” with a huge grin as she bursts through the front door after school.
I also get to do something I love and spend my time devoting myself to my business. A business that I created, where I call the shots and work with amazing women who are designing lives they love by building authentic businesses around their passions.
Despite knowing there’s nothing I’d rather be doing, my heart feels heavy today. Because as a woman, I feel this insane pressure to do everything and to do it well, and I feel like I am struggling to live up to those expectations.
My house should always be clean. Socks are always matched and folded in the appropriate bin in the closet. Baseboards never are dusty. Toys are picked up each night, only to be strewn around when morning comes. I will throw a party when I can stop disassembling the car seat and high chair to wash them every other day. My children must be meeting their milestones. Homework must be done, and extra time must be dedicated to spelling (which is usually a battle I sometimes lose because I’m too stinkin’ tired to fight it). Clothes must always match and be nary a stain. My business must be running like a well-oiled machine at all times, which takes WORK. Work and Starbucks, plus late nights and early mornings sometimes (more often than I’d like lately). And these are only the main responsibilities; there are about 29 million other things constantly racing through my head at any given moment, reminding me I’m not doing enough.
No one told me being a mom would be SO hard some days. No one warned me that being a solo, small business owner would mean sometimes going days without speaking to another grown up. I didn’t realize what a feat trying to write a blog post while listening to my child scream would challenge my ADHD brain so greatly.
Today, I have spent most of the past few hours in tears. I have ugly cried, had it out with my guy because while he means well he just doesn’t get what I’m feeling, or how to talk to me about this. I’ve cursed my now ice cold chai tea latte I braved Starbucks for with screaming baby in tow because I was too busy trying not to lose my shit to drink it. I’ve considered finishing out my one-on-one calls with my current clients and walking away from the business I built and loved because I feel like I have nothing left to give.
I’ve since decided the best thing to do would be to finish this blog post, head to Lush and trade in my 5 empty face mask containers so I can get a free one (yay for recycling perks!), come home and steam clean my carpet (because cleaning is my happy place), and turn the 90’s jams up so loud that it drowns out my child’s screams while I try to amuse her by throwing puzzle pieces and blocks all over the floor and pretending to hurt myself when I step on them (she thinks this is hysterical- her sense of humor is seriously twisted for an infant).
I’m not going to shut down the business that I have spent so much time creating. I’m not going to give up, and I’m not going to give into the loneliness that creeps in from time to time, threatening my sanity and my success.
Such is the life of a mom trying to be a full-time stay at home parent and a business owner. Although sometimes it feels impossible, those hard moments don’t take away from the good. From the rush of landing a new client, or the pure joy of holding your little one’s hand during an impromptu walk to the park on a Tuesday morning.
But it takes a tribe. Without a group of women behind us, cheering us on, those tough seasons can feel hopeless.
If International Women’s Day can teach us anything, let it be that we don’t need to do it all, all the time and that the messy parts of our journeys are just as valuable as the beautiful ones. While you won’t see me posting selfies of myself sitting on the floor criss-cross-applesauce crying my eyes out, I think it’s important that we start normalizing the struggle and talking about the rough times.
Let’s band together and celebrate one another, not just for our strengths, but for our moments of weaknesses. For overcoming times of sorrow and turning them into beautiful stories of strength. For putting one foot in front of the other even when you feel too tired to trudge forward.
Today, be the woman who looks for quiet signs of sadness in other women and lends a shoulder to cry on, a hot meal to eat (because sometimes something as simple as not having to cook dinner feels like you’ve won the lotto). Be the always no matter what friend that people know they can count on when they need someone to sit with while they fall apart.
And if you’re too tired to be that woman, be the one who empowers herself to ask for help and muster the strength to keep going even on the days where the fog creeps in and tries to carry you into that dark place.
Because this beautiful, messy journey is so worth it. And so are you.
Does the struggle of being a momma business owner ever feel overwhelming to you? I’d love to hear your stories. Shout them out in the comments and let’s join forces to get through it together!
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